Dear Gauri Shinde,

At the outset, let me start by saying I absolutely loved English Vinglish. I thought it was a brilliant, beautiful, heartwarming film. That’s primarily why, today, I decided to go watch Dear Zindagi – because I had high hopes from the director. You. I am not the greatest of SRK fans – although I loved him in atypical movies like Chak De and Swades. I do like Alia Bhatt and think she’s a terrific young actress, but the only reason I chose this movie over my other options – including Fantastic Beasts and Arrival – is because of the director.

Since you have made a movie about psychology and therapy, I would like to remind you that there is an affliction called taking yourself too seriously. I am sure there is a clinical term for it, but I can’t be bothered to Google it. You know why? Because I have already wasted half my solitary weekly off on this movie! That’s why. Anyway, my guess is that all the acclaim that you must have got after English Vinglish (and richly deserved too) made you ponder the possibility of making a really smart movie about really smart, cool people. And so you did. Simply because you could. I’m glad you resolved whatever you wanted to with this movie, but I’m afraid you have bored us all to death in the process.

I chose to spend three-four precious hours of my rare, invaluable weekly off on your film. I am not going to get those three hours back, never mind the money. I made the colossal mistake of also taking my poor children and parents along for it, because I make it a point to spend my weekly off (that solitary off day, remember?) with my entire family. I cannot even begin to tell you the level of guilt I feel having put my children through this bore fest. So much guilt that I gave them a free run to watch as much TV as they wanted when we got home. And even bought ice cream on the way, for good measure. My younger one hit the nail on the head at the end of the movie when he said, “It wasn’t like a movie, it was like news”.  Believe me, that is an insult to me, because I am in the news business. But I see his point. My elder one simply asked if we could find a time machine so he could go back to the afternoon and refuse my offer to watch this movie. My dad had a comfortable snooze throughout. My mother says she only kept her eyes open because we had paid for the tickets.

I am not a mean person. I’m writing this because I think as a creative and obviously talented person (based on English Vinglish) I think you should know the truth. I’m sure you are surrounded by people who sugar coat it for you, or, lie outright to your face about how great this movie is. I’m sorry, but they’re probably sneaking off to watch Arrival immediately after, just to get over the ordeal of sitting through Dear Zindagi. They’re just not telling you about it.

You know, your protagonist’s insomnia can be cured by watching Dear Zindagi.

Regards
Tina

PS: Now I’m about to go grab a glass of wine and sit down to watch some interesting and entertaining drivel.